Why Uhaul sucks

(I came across an old email recently that I had sent to friends detailing my cross-country move from Michigan to Nevada four years ago. It's kind of amusing--though it wasn't at the time--so I thought I'd post it here.)

What is up, y'all?

I'm enjoying Vegas so far but let me say that if I ever move cross-country again (which I hope I don't), I'm never using Uhaul. Not only did I have so much trouble getting the equipment in Michigan, I broke down three times, twice in Utah. Hell exists and it's populated by Mormons. And I thought Kansas was bad.

The trip started out well enough. It was delayed a day because of the trouble with getting the equipment (a 14' truck with an auto transport). Once I was on the road I really enjoyed the drive for the first day, making it across four states. The second day was less fun but not bad. The third day started well but didn't end that way. The fourth day, also known as Utah, sucked major ass. And the final day started badly but ended well with me arriving in Las Vegas and moving in.

Like I said, the first day was fun. I made it to the middle of Missouri before I stopped for the night. It was cool going into St. Louis and seeing the Mississippi and the big arch. The bad thing was that I got there right at 5:00. St. Louis is a BIG city, with a lot of traffic, but I wasn't in a hurry and the other drivers were really friendly and considerate. It was kind of creepy, actually . . . all Stepford or something.

The second day was Kansas, which is really boring. Sure, the hills and valleys and later on the prairie is pretty but it all gets old very quickly. And all the radio stations played (yes, the truck was equipped with only a radio) was either country music or people talking about pig farming. I shit you not. And for some reason Kansas seems really big. I mean, it took me all day to drive across it! What's up with that? I felt like I was stuck in a time warp and I was hoping for a tornado to come along and blow me out of there.

Day three was cool to start. That's when I got to Colorado. It was really neat to drive toward Denver and see the mountains emerge from the clouds. Driving in the mountains was a pain in the ass though. Let me rephrase: driving a Uhaul truck in the mountains was a pain in the ass. And then the canyons were cool, though it's a little unnerving to drive along a canyon wall that's 2000 feet in the air with a sheer drop. I didn't used to be afraid of heights. Another thing that unnerved me were these signs that say "Speed monitored by aircraft." When I think of Colorado I think of NORAD and missile silos. Now I have to worry about spy planes. Thanks, Big Brother! But I do wish I had the opportunity to look around the state more.

I ended day three in Utah which is when I broke down for the first time. Once you pass Green River there are signs that say "No services for next 110 miles." So, of course, around mile 55 the engine stops running. And there is no cell phone reception. And other drivers aren't willing to stop when you flag them down. It is the asshole of Hell. So I sat on the side of the road for an hour, cranking the engine over until it finally started and I drove slowly to the next service area and got a motel room at an insanely high price. (The experience was actually much more trying than this, involving keys locked inside a vehicle with the ignition switch turned on, but as brevity is the soul of wit I'll leave that to your imaginations.)

I began day four in a good mood in spite of it all until I got to Cedar City, Utah, where a tire on the trailer blew out. I got off the freeway at the next exit and pulled into a Walmart. The Uhaul manual says that if you have tire trouble to go to the nearest Goodyear dealer where they will replace the tire and bill Uhaul. Since Walmart is a Goodyear dealer I thought I was in luck but such was not the case. The tire guy said they didn't carry the size I needed and that I had to go two miles back the way I came to the next place. So I did. Now, the way the trailer's undercarriage is constructed is that the axles are bolted in place on a brace that has a skid plate over the bolts. For some reason the surface streets in Cedar City, Utah have thick steel plates placed randomly over them. They're not conducive to pulling a trailer with a flat tire. Long story short, by the time I got to the service station the axle's skid plate and bolts at the flat end were sheared off, the brake line was torn loose and the trailer was untowable. So I called the Uhaul hotline, which kept me on hold for at least 45 minutes (I timed it). Finally, I was told a mechanic had been dispatched and would be with me in an hour and a half. In reality, it took three hours. When the guy got there, he told me the trailer was unusable (no shit!) and left for an hour to find me a new one. I finally got back on the road and when I was about six miles from the Arizona line I hit a dust storm. So I stopped at the next motel and called it a night.

Okay, the fifth day. Yes, the FIFTH day! I made it through Arizona and into Nevada fine. Everything went well until I was twenty miles north of Las Vegas. Now are you ready for this shit? Another blow out! On the new trailer! WTF? I pulled off at the next exit to call Uhaul and sat back, expecting another three hour wait. After being on hold for another 45 minutes, the mechanic showed up in less than thirty minutes, changed the tire in five, and I was ready to go. WHY THE HELL COULDN'T THEY DO THAT IN UTAH? Anyway, I got back on the road, made it to my apartment and moved in with no further trouble.

So that's my tale of woe. It feels good to vent. So far, like I said, I'm enjoying Las Vegas. I've only really seen the area around the university but I'm planning on hitting the strip next week. And the lack of humidity is really nice. It's much more comfortable than swampy Michigan.

Take care.