Tips for Visiting Las Vegas

So a friend of mine is considering a trip to Las Vegas and wanted some tips on where to go and what to see. Having lived in the Vegas area for three years now, I've got a pretty good sense of what it's like and thought others might appreciate some advice from a Vegas local. So here it is . . .

--When looking for a place to stay, consider what you want to do. Do you want to gamble, shop, go clubbing, take in a show, etc.? Knowing what you want to do will go a long way to determining where to go. Las Vegas is more than just the Strip. (In fact, the Strip isn't actually in Las Vegas, but that's another matter.) For example, when it comes to gambling it's best to avoid the Strip—we locals do. Since a trip to Vegas is a once-in-a-lifetime thing for most people, Strip casinos don't expect to see repeat business. Consequently, they're out to take as much money from chump tourists as they possibly can. Local casinos (e.g. Station Casinos, Arizona Charlie's, Sam's Town—not that these are endorsements) cater to the locals and count on repeat business. Since they have more to gain from keeping their customers happy, the odds of winning are more in your favor. Most of these places have their own hotels/resorts, so you'll probably be able to get better deals on rooms by going there. As for the other stuff, the shopping, clubbing and whatnot, it is best to go to the Strip for that. Just expect to deal with crowds of morons and pay out of every orifice you have. Did I mention that locals try to avoid the Strip?

--As a general rule of thumb, avoid the downtown area. Yeah, they've got the Fremont Street Experience and all that, but it's also a high crime area. There's talk of putting up surveillance cameras on the streets. Of course, you wouldn't be coming to Las Vegas to do anything illegal, would you?

--Bear in mind that what you see on tv isn't real. Of course, Vegas isn't real either, which is why so many television shows are set here. ("Set" is the key word; neither Las Vegas nor CSI nor any of those other shows are actually filmed here, so you're not going to be an extra on those shows by coming here.) The point is that Vegas isn't as "loose" as you've been led to believe. If something's illegal in your town, odds are it's illegal here too. Yes, this means that prostitution is not legal here. Sure, the State of Nevada allows legal prostitution, but what that means is that the state has left the issue up to the individual counties to decide for themselves. Clark County, where Las Vegas is, has chosen to criminalize it. So if that's what you're after, be aware that the closest brothels are an hour away in Pahrump. Naturally, there are ways around this prohibition and no, I'm not going to tell you what they are. And FYI, drug use and open containers are illegal here as well. It's Las Vegas, not Amsterdam.

--By the way, Las Vegans don't particularly like those stupid tv shows.

--There is, however, a lot of free porn around. When you visit the Strip—and let's face it, you will; how can you not?—be prepared for these really obnoxious people we call "clickers." These are people of questionable citizenship who spend their days lining up on the Strip and forcing business cards for hookers (okay, "private entertainers," if you know what I mean) on passersby. They're called "clickers" because they click their cards together to get your attention. For some reason, this is legal. It's annoying as hell, but it's legal. Unfortunately, it's NOT legal to push the clickers in front of oncoming buses. Did I mention that locals try to avoid the Strip?

--Okay, so you're going to be visiting the Strip. The Strip is about four miles long, so transportation is an issue. Bussing is a valid option. Driving is not; the speed limit is low and idiocy is high. There is a monorail, which locals consider to be a fantastic joke. When it passes by, try to watch out for debris—large, likely-important pieces of it have been known to fall off and getting killed by one would be a bad way to spend your time in Vegas. My recommendation: Bring comfortable walking shoes. Even if you confine yourself to a handful of properties on the Strip, you're going to be doing a lot of walking unless you rent one of those Segway scooters, which just makes you look like a dork. There is one thing that is vitally important to keep in mind when visiting the Strip: don't jaywalk. Pedestrians do NOT have the right-of-way here and if you follow the rest of the mindless lemmings on the Strip there is an excellent chance that you will be run over. You've seen Deathrace 2000, right? Well, some of the taxi drivers here seem to think they're auditioning for parts in that movie. Have I forgotten to mention that locals hate going to the Strip?

--Since you're going to be walking on the Strip, sunscreen is a good idea. And be prepared to drink a lot of bottled water. Buy at least a case of it. Don't worry, you'll drink it all before you leave. And don't buy it on the Strip; go to a grocery store in one of the local neighborhoods. A liter of water there will cost about $1. If you buy it on the Strip, or worse from one of the casinos, expect to pay about $5. And locals don't like the Strip?

That's all I can think of for now. Feel free to comment with questions about stuff I haven't covered. And consider going to Reno instead.